Death at a Wedding
by MakaioRed
Summary: It's Renesmee's and Jacob's wedding. Edward, the only one of Nessie's parents attending, wishes for a stroke of luck, and he gets more than what he bargained for. The story is related to "Go Go Gorrila" and "Of Sparkloi and Finance". It also contains an allusion to CandyassGoth's "Secret Punishment". Various characters from several other fictional universes are included.


The day had finally come for Renesmee and Jacob to take their vows. A day prior, every blood test imaginable was taken to ensure that both partners were in fact dhampir and werewolf, and not any kind of wereape, weregorilla or self-combusting organism. The results showed that they were normal.

So far the wedding had gone according to plan. Renesmee was radiant in a traditional white dress. Jacob was dressed in his best tuxedo. All the guests were seated. Scores of vampires, dhampirs, werewolves, and Spartans filled the marquee which was outside of the chapel (the chapel being too small to hold such large volumes of people). The make-shift church was laid out and decorated perfectly. Renesmee was standing in front of the altar with Jacob, ready to take her vows. Edward stood on the side, as Jacob's best man, impatiently waiting for the priest to reach a particular part of the ceremony. Eventually that part came.

"Does anyone in this great gathering object to the onion of this couple?" Minister Webber asked.

Rose Hathaway raised her hand.

"Yes?" the minister asked.

"You said onion. Don't you mean union?"

"Hush now silly girl," the minister scowled. "Onions have layers, and this is a multilayered couple."

Another hand from the crowd shot up.

"Yes!" the minister asked again, rather agitated.

"You mean they're photoshopped?" said Bill Compton.

"No, enough of this nonsense, oh I ask, Makaio can we proceed?"

One final voice piped up. It was Edward's and he said, "I object. I wish for a stroke of luck which will stop this marriage."

As Edward's words left his mouth, he toppled over and fell to the floor. Dead.

"No! Dad!" Renesmee screamed, bending over him attempting to give him CPR.

Most of the crowd were frozen in shock, though a few of them came close to offer (or pretend to offer) assistance.

"Don't you know, a vampire is already dead," said Dracula. "Nothing like that could make his heart start again."

"I can check if he's alive," said a man hurrying over with an ammeter.

"Flinch! Come back at once!" ordered Lord Underwood.

Flinch stuck the test probes into Edward. The reading of the ammeter stayed at zero, indicating a complete lack of current. "He's gone," Flinch said, pulling out the probes and returning to his master.

Dimitri Belikov stood up and shouted, "Burial, Comrades!"

The dhampir, vampire, werewolf and Spartan guests all shouted, "Yehhh," alike.

Several crowd members stuffed Edward into a coffin and carried it outside.

"Who's going to dig?" asked Jacob, looking at the nice patch of land next to an oak tree.

"Watch this," said Carlisle in reply as he went up to the leader of the Spartans.

After a brief exchange of words between Carlisle and the Spartan leader, the leader screamed, "SPARTANS, ATTACK!"

At this order, the Greeks dug up the ground with their weapons faster than an iBroom falling from the sky. Then the casket bearers threw Edward's coffin into the newly dug hole in the ground.

"Has anyone words to say?" said Alice.

"I do," said a ghostly Remus Lupin. "He was a brilliant student, a great wizard, and he died a hero to us all."

Damon Salvatore stood up. "Ah, well, that was touching, let's go get drunk!"

"Alright!," the crowd screamed, while the Spartans filled the grave and the rest of the crowd rushed away from it.

After every guest had departed for a drink, a muffled voice from deep within the ground shouted, "Come back everyone, I'm still alive!"

A small rabbit ran forward from behind a tree and transformed into a man. "You should be more careful of what you wish for when the god of mischief is listening," he said while laughing. "You wished for a stroke and you got one."

After he finished laughing, Thor appeared, clad in fur armour and gauntlets, walking behind Loki, and said, "You ought to behave yourself brother, or else you may just get a spanking."


End file.
